The Gifts Of Christmas Past
Features / Fri 16th Dec, 2016 @ 9:30 pm
Christmas is a time for giving. A time when family and friends come together to celebrate peace on Earth and goodwill to all. And it’s a time for getting more bike stuff! That’s not always a good thing though, as this list of the Top 5 Worst MTB Gifts will show.
Ever opened up a gift on Christmas day only to baulk in horror at the lamentable contents? Perhaps you’ve received one of Granny’s ubiquitous knitted sweaters, a pair of branded Les Gets Y-fronts from a drunk uncle, or a Lady Gaga t-shirt in XXL from your little sister! Undoubtedly we’ve all been there and it’s equal parts tragic and funny at the same time. Actually, it’s mostly tragic.
You’d think that having a clear obsession with mountain biking would lead to some pretty sweet gifts being purchased by your family and friends on your behalf. How could anyone possibly go wrong with choosing a present for you when all you do is ride? ‘For the love of God, at least just buy me some new tyres and brake pads’, you might have thought to yourself while expectantly tearing the wrapping paper from yet another one of Michael Bublé’s latest festive steaming piles.
But what happens when your beloved family members go full-out in the opposite direction and actually do some research into the latest piece of biking technology? Then will you be happy, you miserable, self-absorbed hedonist?
Of course not, because – if the latest PR is to be believed – then we’d all be riding around on electric fat bikes with solid rubber tyres and 43 billion gears (don’t worry, this is shortly coming to a local bike shop near you). And so to prove our point, here is a list of the greatest worst ‘next big things’ from the world of cycling that may have made it into your giant Christmas sock.
The Top 5 Worst Mountain Bike Gifts
Flippy Floppy Flappy Shimano Paddle Shifters
In 2006/7 Shimano pulled off the seemingly impossible feat of taking a great gear shifting system and making it infinitely worse. By packing the shifter internals into the same housing as the brake leavers they attempted to create a sleek-looking solution to a problem that was never really there in the first place.
The flip (pun gratuitously intended) side of this was that actually changing gear required re-learning, as rather than using the time-honoured and evolved opposable thumb – with all its leverage and power – to push a lever forward a fraction of an amount, early adopters now had to somehow push and pull the brake levers on a vertical axis with their fingers.
The system had the additional benefit of meaning riders risked changing gear and/or braking all at the same time. Just…no.
Suspension Stems and Seatposts
There’s an argument that these devices might actually be an evolutionary step on the way to what we now know – and love, a lot – as the dropper seat post. Okay, they’re great for taking the sting out of the road on a touring bike if you’re over 60 etc. but on a mountain bike? Really?
Aside from looking daft they did nothing to help in what is the main objective of suspension, namely: keeping the tyres on the floor and providing traction. Other incarnations just made it feel like you were riding through soup.
Solid Rubber Tyres
The flat tyre has long been the arch nemesis of the cyclist and scores of technologies have come, gone and hung around in order to attempt to rid the Earth of these evil fun-busters. From the early days of the wood and steel-rimmed velocipedes to the modern incarnation of the tubeless or Procore ‘dual flat’ systems, cycling humans have gone to great lengths to spend less time pumping tubes and more time pumping trannies.
The solid rubber tyre is one such offering that presumed to have solved the problem. Riding them, however, proved both exhausting and slightly painful as every undulation in the trail was transmitted up through the (then rigid) forks and into the hands of the rider. Add to this the huge amounts of extra weight in rolling mass they added and you can see why they’ve made the cut.
1996 me just called, he wants his wrists back.
Anything That Doesn’t Fit
Your wonderful mother might have gone to extreme lengths to buy you that new set of rims or the latest in a long line of bottom bracket sizes but what if it’s the wrong size?
As more and more manufacturers bring out more and more ‘standards’ we’re faced with an almost inexhaustible list of options to sift through when choosing anything to go on our bikes. Is it a press fit or a threaded BB, what width, will your frame accommodate those new plus-sized wheels, are your rims tubeless ready, what head tube size are you running, crank length, boost hubs, free hub body, does your bike even take a front mech anymore…? Sod it; have another mince pie and a beer and take it back in a week’s time.
Bar Ends, Crap Suspension & Day-Glo Lycra
Okay, so these are technically three items, but they make the list because of what they represent: the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. It was an era of shame in terms of mountain biking style and substance – even if the riding being dished by legends such as John Tomac, riding what we’d now consider vintage cycles, was enough to make your Strava times look shameful.
Quite what bar ends did for anyone we’ll never know, but it appears that they might be making something of a resurgence on the XC scene! Add to this the kind of useless suspension designs and materials that made us wonder why on Earth we were expected to shell out so much cash and you’re starting to get the idea of our issue with this era.
Completing the dodgy ‘80s-‘90s look required some form of skin-tight, retina-melting attire to go with your ‘paint-splashed-effect’ purple or mint green bike and wrap around rainbow-lensed specs. Oh, just stop it right now, I’m going to be sick.
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Did we miss out your favourite worst biking product? Gutted that Gripshift didn’t make the grade perhaps? Drop us a comment below and let us know what hideous contraptions would make it on to your list.
By James Swann
Originally from Sheffield, James lives and works in the mountain bike mecca that is the Lake District and has been falling off bikes since he was six. In between working on bike events, riding bikes, racing bikes and writing about bikes he enjoys talking about bikes with anyone who will listen. He really likes bikes.
